Sketchy At Best (Excerpt)

December 22, 2004

JOEL-
So, wait. Let me make sure I heard that. You hate her, right?

MIKE-
Yeah.

JOEL-
You spent the last, what, two and a half years–?

MIKE-
Just about.

JOEL-
–Two and a half years with her miserable, yes?

MIKE-
Yes.

JOEL-
And you STILL miss her?

MIKE-
Correct.

JOEL-
There’s a word for people like you: In-fucking-sane.

MIKE-
I’m fully aware of this.

JOEL-
Why?

MIKE-
It’s… okay, it’s like this; I’m used to it.

JOEL-
Used to it? And that’s a reason to take the slut back?

MIKE-
No, but it makes sense. She’s human, I’m human, people make mistakes.

JOEL-
But you hate her.

MIKE-
This is true. It’s like crack, see?

JOEL-
So, now you’re a drug addict?

MIKE-
Shut up and listen. You know it’s not healthy, but you do it anyway. You can’t help it.

JOEL-
You’ve thought about this way too much.

MIKE-
Hey, how do you know I don’t want her back just to fuck with her mind?

JOEL-
‘Cause I know you.

MIKE-
Bastard.

JOEL-
Like you can talk.

MIKE-
Point.

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A Change In Plans

December 16, 2004

“This is insane.  You see that, don’t you?  I mean, how could you not?  This isn’t smart.  We shouldn’t be here.  I shouldn’t have let you talk me into this.  Christ, this is stupid.  We’re going to regret this.  Anyone in their right mind would turn around and go back home.  Why aren’t we doing that?  Huh?  Hey, wait for me!”


Found On The Internet

December 13, 2004

“Listening to Evanescence isn’t a gateway drug to an erosion of moral values. If anything, all it is is a gateway to the erosion of any kind of actual musical taste.”


Night On Earth

December 9, 2004

“That’s what you hold on to.  That’s what you can do for other people.  You can give them safety.  You can show them they’re not alone.  That’s how you make the world make sense.  And if you can do that– you can stop the world from making more people like us.  And no one will have to be scared anymore.”


Sketchy At Best (Excerpt)

December 5, 2004

Two guys playing pool in a sorta smoky bar. Throughout the story, they’re taking shots, drinks, and maybe puffing the occasional cigarette.

MIKE-
Goddammit.

JOEL-
What?

MIKE is pointing.

MIKE-
By the DJ.

JOEL-
Yeah, she’s cute, what’s your point?

MIKE-
Look at the guy she’s dry humping.

MIKE’S right. The guy’s fairly unattractive.

JOEL-
…yeah?

MIKE-
C’mon. I know I’m not the best looking guy on the planet, but I know that I’m more attractive than that motherfucker.

JOEL-
Then go talk to her.

MIKE-
I left my crowbar at home.

JOEL-
Jesus Christ. What about her?

MIKE-
Where?

JOEL-
By the cigarette machine.

An attractive redhead is standing alone by the cancer-dispensing machine.

MIKE-
You know I’m too shy to actually talk to her.

JOEL-
Bullshit. You’re too shy to actually start the conversation. C’mon, you know once you get started, you’ll be fine.

MIKE-
Yeah, well, I don’t want to come off as some creep who’s been watching her half the night from across the bar. I’ll be lucky if I don’t get a faceful of pepper spray.

JOEL-
You want me to bring her over here?

MIKE-
Like that’s any better. “Hey, I’m so pathetic my friend has to actually initiate the conversation.” Oh, yeah, she’ll be all over me with that one.

JOEL-
Great, I’ll go get her.

MIKE throws his pool cue onto the table and grabs JOEL’S arm.

MIKE-
NO! Fine. I’ll go talk to her. Happy?

JOEL-
As long as it shuts you the hell up.

MIKE is walking off, towards the redhead.

MIKE-
I hate you.


Fun With Wrong Numbers!

December 3, 2004

This is the first phone call I received this morning:

Me- Hello?

Voice #1- Yeah, the check you wrote my daughter came back insufficient funds.

Me- What?

Voice #1- The check you wrote my daughter came back insufficient funds.

Me- I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Voice #1- Hold on.

Voice #2- The check you wrote my granddaughter came back insufficient funds.

Me- I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Voice #2- Is this Jeff Davis?

Me- No. My name’s Greg. This is my cell phone you’ve called.

Voice #2- Well, Mr. Davis wrote my granddaughter a check and it came back insufficient funds.

Me- And you want me to do what, exactly?

Voice #2- I called the phone number he wrote on the check. 522-7310.

Me- This is 522-7130.

Voice #2- I called 522-7310.

Me- No, you didn’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be talking to me.

Voice #2- Well, this is the number on the check.

Me- No, it’s not. You just told me the phone number was 7310. Is that correct?

Voice #2- Yes.

Me- Well, this is 7130. Why don’t you hang up and try again? Dial it properly and stop annoying me.


Watchmaker

December 1, 2004

“The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking… The solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind.  If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.”
-Albert Einstein